IMPORTANT NOTICE: If I find out that anyone have used pictures of my kids in their websites for legal, illegal, porn or professional, directly or indirectly for purposes that I have not agreed to, they will incurr the wrath of a very protective mother. Do not fiddle with the pictures, use them, copy them, manipulate them...they are the pictures of my kids. If you want to use them, please send me an email beforehand and obtain my consent first. Thanks

Buying Time :: 28th December 2003

It could've been the "Touched by an angel" series I just watched or it could've been the extra chilly I had with my dinner tonight but something made me feel like I have no control over the future of my children. Well, maybe I do but only to the extent of their financial future and maybe contribute a little bit to their personal development…etc.

But what I cannot control are the things that will happen to them…or not happen to them, depending on how you look at it, in future. The good things and the bad things - I cannot control. Hey, I am mommy but being mommy isn't everything. I am not God.

No, this is not going to be a religious article…and trust me, I am the least religious kind on this planet.

But here I am, sitting here, wondering what will become of my children.

Josh still has the same smile and the same cheeky glint in his eyes and the kind of mischieviousness that makes him the King of my heart. But he's no longer a baby...and that's what I am worried about. Let's look at it this way. Joshua, my elder son, has grown into this inquisitive soul who asks you the darnest questions and have the most mind-boggling answers for the things you ask him. He is also very emotional and sensitive to the things and people around him. Who would have thought?

I mean, look at some of the baby photos and I couldn't have imagined because he was the most fun-loving soul on the planet, laughing with whomever and his favorite activity back then was to bite something or someone. His philosophy was - If you can't put it in your mouth, it's not worth the effort.

What I remember about Joshua? I remember him to be the kind of kid who can turn you into mashed potatoes with a single glance. He had a killer smile and ooohhhh….those huge magnetizing eyes (thanks to me, I think). He wasn't too tough to handle as a baby but then when he approached toddlerhood, that was when the tides started getting rough.

He is now an overall pleasant person to be around (lest you irk him by asking him to share his toys, deny him of something, make a special request from him or make him do something he doesn't want to...which just about covers everything) and honestly, he is very emotional about the things that happens to the people around him. When his baby brother, Jed, decides to kick up a fuss regarding his bath, Joshua would run over to me, tap me on my shoulder and tell me, "But mommy, Jared don't want take off clothes". Like I am trying to peel his arm off from his shoulder or something.

And that's what makes him so sweet. He is really a very sensitive sweet person to be around. I would imagine him to grow up to the kind of man any woman would dream of...someone who would take care of her...lest you ask him to do something he doesn't want.

I believe that Joshua would grow up to be a very well-loved and sensitive boy who will be kind to all animals....but will not ride a rollercoaster ride. Taking him to theme parks, I know now, is absolutely no fun at all. If I had all the money in the world, it wouldn't make sense to build him a theme park because he wouldn't even ride the carousel, imagine that !!! Which kid, can you tell me without lying, wouldn't like to ride the carousel the entire day?

Now Jared. My precious little chubby angel from the land of cupcakes and chocolate ice-creams! Yum-yum. He's got the most delicious behind I have ever seen. This may sound off-key (ok, horny and rated PG-8 or something) but I just can't take my eyes of his butt whenever we take his clothes off and trots on over to the bathroom in glee. I mean, isn't a little kid's behind the most delectable thing on this planet...better than a meal filled with Bird's Nest and Abalone, shark's fin and mushrooms the size of a house?

Jared, when he was first born, has got to be the wierdest looking mammal on the planet. It was like he wasn't of human colour. Instead, he had this strange reddish-brownish-purplish-yellowish colour on him...like someone played a cruel joke by painting some water colours all over him or something. But he was still adorable. From where I stand, even if he was orange in colour, he was still adorable. But of course, everyone took pains to actually say something nice about that baby. "Erm...he looks really...cute? Like cute? You know what I mean?". Yep.

"He's so....red...but looks Malay. But looks a little bit Chinese. Oh, I mean, he's Chinese, huh? Wow! Amazing looking baby you've got there, Marsh". Yep.

"Marsh, does your baby have a rash. That's a serious rash. It's so red, Marsha". Nope. He looks like that...rash or no rash.

And oh, how can I forgot the time he was in the Special Care Nursery...that's what they call the place where they put all those babies with problems. He had a severe case of Jaundice...and I mean, it was quite severe considering the fact that he stayed there for whole 10 days while babies came and went. And you bet your bottom dollar I went ballistic. Me and my husband were arguing about non-existing problems because of stress and worry.

I wouldn't have worried as much if I knew he was going to be overweight some months down the road. Joshua wasn't delighted (an understatement, really) with having to fight for my attention all the time. I was worried sick about whether the Jaundice would rebound...if that was at all possible and was on his case all the time. Over time, I guess Joshua figured that the baby with an affinity for farting, burping, peeing, eating, and breastfeeding unapologetically wasn't so bad after all when I started paying some attention to the dear soul . It must have been the longest month (or months) for Josh...as if it was short for me, eh?

Jared fed on my body like his life depended on it...well, his life was depended on it and it got so bad that I forced a pacifier down his throat one day but he just yelled like I was trying to twist his head off. I gave up after a few similar incidents. People were trying to get their babies weaned from the pacifier and here I am, like I had half a hare brain, trying to force my baby to TAKE a pacifier.

Thankfully, Jared got lighter in shade when he grew up. But he also grew up looking like my sister and father, instead of either me or my husband.

While Joshua grew up being the King of my Life, Jared started to grow on everyone in the house. Even my brother-in-law who would normally walk past the kids short of kicking them out of his way was found swinging Jared in the living room. He's going to grow up being a very likeable, easy and outgoing, sociable and playful man....I can't imagine calling this tot a man. It's like calling a JellyFish...shark. It's simply not possible.

But can you blame me? I mean, caring for him and being his mother is like being crowned Miss Universe or something like that. You feel so proud and you know it's going to end. Not that I am going to stop being his mom but then, he's only cute for this long. As soon as he hits the 2-year-mark, I would be hiding him in trolleys and carting him off into the corner when there's guests.

Like Joshua, Jared is no longer a baby. Although he still breastfeeds ferociously, helping himself to my body whenever he wants. I have no right to deny him his suckling (for food or comfort) because he will kick up a fuss when I do. My mother-in-law looks on and frowns at him whenever he tries to lift my shirt up for a feed. Whenever he lifts my shirt, first, he looks over for my mother-in-law, then he looks at me. If it's green light, he'll smile and happily proceed on with business. But if he sees disapproval from either one of us, he would kick and frown in return....like saying, "What's it to you?" to his grandmother and to me, he's saying...."You were saying?"

He's got a personality and preferences now...for sure. And to think I called him an angel and thought he would be nice to me for the rest of my life.

Boo Hoo!

When you sit down and think about how fast your children are growin, does it ever occur to you that we're actually living on borrowed time? Our children are not entirely ours. It's like we're assigned the task of caring for them, bringing them up, teaching them, guiding, nurturing, kissing, cuddling, hugging them until one day, they are old enough to say 'Adieu' to us. By then, we would have to hand them back to themselves...to lead their own lives.

I wish there was a way to either stop time...or buy some more time....just to see my kids grow up at a slower pace. I wish I never had to let them go....

:: Marsha ::